i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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