so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
