What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
