I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
