I think I won the penis lottery.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
