My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
