An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
