I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize