I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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