Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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