My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I can't put those talents on a resume
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
