went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
