goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
