Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
