Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
