what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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