I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
