i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
