Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
