I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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