Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
i've created a new STD.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
