thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
