The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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