I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
