People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
