I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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