Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize