My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
there is puke in my bra ... again
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
