i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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