**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
