between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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