ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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