break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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