then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
