fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
