we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
