why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
