I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize