i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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