I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
