I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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