Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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