i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize