apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
