On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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