The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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