im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
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