I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
