he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
