Just fell off a train. Bad.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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