the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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