my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
