when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
