So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
