I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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