I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize