If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
