Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
