I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
