Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
